Understanding the Bonds that Make or Break Marriages
or Why Marriages Fail
My last post, Balaam Effect Destroying Families, Nations and Future, had two major shortcomings. One, I did not explain the bonds joining Man and Woman into an interdependent, unique entity; i.e., one flesh. Two, I did not clarify the motivations/goals driving men and women in their striving toward Soul-Flesh Security. This is a biblical perspective and based on the Bible. If you reject the Bible then you will reject this perspective. However, for all the modern psychological babbling produced in the last two hundred years we see marriages both declining in occurrence and relationships increasing in violence. With Americans touting themselves as progressive, we need to ask ourselves why we incarcerate more citizens than other nations and those incarcerated are predominately from single {usually maternal}-parent backgrounds? Why are marriages failing wholesale and our children choosing to live in relationships outside of marriage with its attendant increase in domestic violence and degrading immorality if our psychological pretensions are better than the Bible? Let us look at the bonds of biblical marriage in greater detail.
Evolution is simply medieval spontaneous generation repackaged under the pretensions of science making it a scientism; i.e., “…the transformation of science into an ideology and of its practitioners into a secular priesthood” {Feser, E. Scientism: America’s State Religion. The American Mind.}. Though considered new, scientism is very ancient. Described by Christ via Paul, scientism is simply man defining his existence apart from God via empirical elements of Creation (Ro 1:18-28). By ignoring that the empirical is based on and comes from the non-empirical, scientism becomes a works-based faith while denying faith exists (He 11:3). Those so-called scientisms of modern wisdom claim to use the scientific method, which is empirical, to measure the non-empirical which they deny even exists; i.e., soul or spirit. They, like all non-biblical philosophies are logically contradictory being built on logical fallacies (Pr 12:15; 14:12; 21:2).
Scientism of psychology lies at the very heart of modern Western society. It has infiltrated into sociology, psychiatry, education and nursing to name a few. It has been given an unprecedented role in our legal system to incarcerate a person simply on the basis of criteria deemed correct by a simple vote and enshrined into the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association (APA). As its influence spread into nearly every facet of life so too did societal violence, degradation and hopelessness. The very fabric of society, the family, has suffered the most. Destroying the very unit creating by God for preserving and passing on His Truth into our future, people look to a new god; The godless State. This process began in very ancient times but was brought into written history as detailed in the Bible; I call this the Balaam Effect. To understand how it works we must understand the biblical marriage and ourselves.
In the beginning Christ made Man in His image, based on his nature but clothed in the flesh {body} (Ge 1:27; 2:7-8; Col 1:15-20). The Christ brought woman from man forming the first union (Ge 2:21-22). When Christ presented woman to man, Adam proclaimed that they were one flesh, an interdependent union finding fulfillment by mutually cooperative support; i.e., the first marriage. Christ emphasized this during His earthly ministry (Mt 19:4-8). Sin disrupted this cooperative union turning it into a competitive union of competing priorities (Ge 3:1-16). Man and woman bring different but mutual beneficial qualities to the relationship but sin introduced covetousness and now each person seeks their own gain at the expense of the other (Ro 3:10-18; Col 3:5).
Today, Salvation gives the believer a new nature (2Co 5:17). Christ, again through Paul, defines 1) what the Christian marriage represents and 2) the responsibilities of both man and woman in this relationship (Ep 5:22-6:4). This defines the bonds that hold this relationship together; see the above graphic.
Sex in not a pejorative nor is it the major function in marriage; however, it is the reason for the union after mutual support of the husband and wife. It functions to produce godly progeny (1Co 7:12-14). The physical union is an intimacy that transcends the physical elements; it is a sharing of the physical self representing the sharing of the emotional-spiritual self. If one cannot share with the partner one can see, how can you share yourself with one you cannot see; i.e., Christ (1Jo 4:20)? This intimacy is essential for development and strengthening of the illustrated bonds.
Commitment is the foundation of the bonds for husband and wife. What is commitment; a pledge to do something in the future. This is enshrined in the wedding vows. Each person gives up autonomy to their own flesh representing the spiritual surrender to each other (1Co 7:3-5). Christ’s relationship to the church is the example; He gave up His flesh so the church, called-out believers, may have eternal life {new nature}. He is the Head of the church and in this metaphor the wife is to submit to her husband. Husband is to serve the wife just as he serves himself so that over time both become one flesh.
Love in Western mythology is a feeling that occurs when one meets the right person. Let us see what this looks like in the Bible. Jacob loved Rachael and was tricked into virtual slavery for 14 years to obtain her (Ge 29:15-30). His love was little more than lust which enslaved him. This love is perpetuated in pop songs, movies, television, literature and so forth but it has little to do with actual love. Jacob should have followed the example of his father, Isaac. Abraham has arranged for the marriage of Isaac and presented Rebekah to him basically sight unseen (Ge 24:64-67). Isaac grew to love Rebekah as the relationship continued. This is actual love, a growing energy that increases overtime through intimacy and mutual cooperation.
Think of love as an energy. Science cannot define what energy is; it defines the various energies by what they do, their effects. This applies to love; one might equate it to The Force of Star Wars that binds the two together if they have the same belief system! Love works when husband and wife have the same faith, same value system; hence the prohibition of being unequally yoked (2Co 6:14). Each will have conflicting definitions of right and wrong working in opposition to disrupt the intimacy keeping them from being one flesh and wrecking havoc with the children’s values. It was through this agency that the Balaam Effect achieved success as the mother is the perpetuator of values to the children.
Love is defined by what it does (1Co 13:4-8). It supports Truth over error. When working with the wife the husband bears, believes, hopes and endures all things just as Christ did for us. This is the husband’s commitment to his wife along with provision and protection; personal and fiscal. This strengthens as the wife learns to trust the husband by his providing a secure future. She responds by giving her husband loyalty, a form of her commitment to him. But we are all sinners and temptations are great (1Jo 1:8-10). The husband and wife will fail each other.
Bonds of Interdependence Weakened
When Loyalties Transferred to Others
Each will fail as the Bible clearly illustrates throughout its pages. Husband transfers loyalties to other women while women transfer loyalties to their children, weakening their ties to their fathers, and to other men also. Depending on who sins first, the other justifies their sin based on the other person; i.e., two wrongs to make a right! Of course, it does not make anything right; it makes everything worse. Modern psychology justifies each person making decisions for themselves regardless of the other further weakening the bonds.
Let us discuss another common misperception of the Bible. The woman is to fear the husband just as believers are to fear the Lord which is the beginning of wisdom (Pr 1:7; Is 8:13-15). Because we begin as sinners, we view fear as powerlessness before an overpowering threatening force. This has become the rule for relationships today. The physically stronger man produces fear through violence in his partner in frustration at not receiving loyalty; but, neither is he giving love but simply an exchange of bodily fluids to satisfy his lusts. Modern media speaks only fear and entire societies live in fear as instructed. But this is not biblical fear.
Fear is a product of sin because one fears accountability, coming judgment (1Jo 4:18). Remember, we are all sinners, some saved but many remain lost. Saved will stand before Christ to give an account of their faithfulness while the lost will give their defense at the White Throne for rejecting His salvation (2Co 5:10; Re 20:11-15). The faithful husband will remember his sins and forgive his wife her sins who in turn will forgive him because she received forgiveness; this is Christ’s example (Ro 5:6-11). It is only through forgiveness that the weakened bonds can be mended for the past cannot be undone; it can only be forgiven. However, if the wife continues to transfer her loyalty from the husband to others, including her children, then she has not practiced forgiveness. Likewise if the man transfers his commitment to the family to others, he has not actually demonstrated that he desires forgiveness.
The husband who does forgive evokes fear in the wife in that if she continues to engage in her disloyalty, she will have to give an account to Christ; hence, her fear is not of the husband but of the one behind the husband. The husband gains loyalty by forgiving. She, like Sarah, is not following the husband but the Christ who is behind the husband (1Pe 3:5-7). Abraham gave away Sarah several times to save himself rather than protecting her. She did not retaliate to his wrong with her own; she trusted in Christ who defended her; soon he stopped doing this shameful practice. She did not fear Abraham but she feared Christ’s judgment for she had her own sins to account for and gave understanding. Husbands are to demonstrate this to the wives but since they were often raised to seek their own desires over the family’s needs, they only engender selfishness especially from the children.
Just as Couples Today Misdefine Love;
So Also They Misunderstand Fear
If men and women reject God’s explanation of marriage’s purpose and development, they will substitute some empirical scientism context which will continually lead them further from what they claim to desire: peace, stability in relationships and reduction of fear. They will also substitute someone or something else as a guiding force; this will be the State. The State already pays women to have children and reject husbands to receiver higher benefits. Women frequently choose weak men over emotionally stronger men thinking it will give them more security and Control; it will not. Insecurity will increase. The State becomes the perpetuator of culture by funneling children at younger ages into state-mandated education programs making the family unit superfluous and even dangerous to its designs.
Christ does not desire anyone to perish; but, there must be accountability for decision; this is discipline which is another function of the parents to children (Pr 13:24; 22:15; 23:13; 29:15; Ez 33:11; He 9:27-28; 12:7-11). Even Christians succumb to scientism’s psychology and their own desires over following Christ in spiritual maturity. In their desire to please themselves they offer their children as sacrifice to their pleasures that will not please. The loyalty of the world is temporal and fades under pressure. “Come, now let us reason together,” says the Lord (Is 1:18). Husbands, wives and children must come together around God’s Word willing to mature in His grace; in this way families can be healed and children saved to continue the godly line of Truth into their future.